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01 July 2010 @ 02:37 pm
I added a "blogs" section to the informational links post. There are blogs from male survivors (two of whom have DID), and one from an African-American woman with DID.

The blogs.Collapse )


Just wanted to let you all know about the updates because of the rarity of finding male survivor blogs, especially in relation to DID.

Take care! :)
 
 
30 November 2009 @ 06:18 pm
Mod Post

Due to privacy, potential spam and other issues of concern, the mods have decided to more heavily monitor members who request to join this community. Just a heads up that if anyone is interested in joining, we'll be checking your account for activity. This message isn't meant to discourage anyone from joining, but so that everyone here knows that we are continuing to pay attention to the members who request to join.

As always, if there is anything that is going on anywhere in this community in comments, posts or anything that is upsetting to members here, do not hesitate to PM a mod about it. You can message anyone here:

brightflashes
greg_kennedy
blueserenity22

And if it's not too much trouble, provide a link for references. We want to help keep the community a safe place and will take action to make sure that it stays safe. Thanks for reading! : )
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20 November 2009 @ 08:39 am
cross-posted from my blog

"I pledge allegiance to the fact of the single personhood of Jigsaw Analogy, and to the community for which that stands, one person, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

I've been thinking about a lot of things, lately. Or, more to the point, we have been thinking about a lot of things lately, since there are two parts writing this! Anyhow. One of the many things going on in our collective head is some thinking about what it means to "integrate."

Reading the "healing" literature, (well-intentioned, but sometimes that is some really damned SHAMING literature!). Anyhow. Reading that, you'd get the impression that for a multiple to heal, they have to do something like become part of a Borg collective: "Your emotional and intellectual distinctiveness will be assimilated into our collective. We are Borg, resistance is futile. You WILL be assimilated."

Um, hello? That version of integration would be like telling people of color that in order to be integrated into society, they have to act just like everyone else. It's like saying that an integrated society is one where somehow people retain their "culture," but God forbid they go around acting different from the norm, because that would mean they weren't really integrated. And sure, there are people who believe this. Hell, there are people who think that the way to make society--or, frankly an individual with multiplicity--happy, healthy, and worth living in is to get rid of anything that doesn't fit with their idea of perfection.

That is just about the stupidest idea, when you come to think of it. Sorry, racists and people who can't handle difference. I know that other parts of this system like to act all tolerant and everything, and want to make sure that everyone feels welcome reading this blog. Too bad. If you're a racist, I don't care if I offend you that I think racism is stupid. And if you're someone who is going to tell me that the best way to be integrated is for all of the parts to merge into one, well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and risk offending you, too.

When I read or hear about people "integrating" in that fashion, it seems more like they are becoming ex-gay. I mean, yeah. They've learned to repress the parts of themselves that make them different from the norm. And this can make people feel more comfortable, and some people--therapists and psychiatrists included, God help us all--think that feeling more comfortable by avoiding conflict is totally the way to go.

I respectfully disagree. I want to integrate in that fashion just about as much as I want to become ex-gay, or want to integrate racially by pretending my skin color is invisible. Ain't gonna happen, folks.


But what if there were a different way to do this? What if integration as a multiple could be more like becoming a republic, which is to say--a lot of individual parts, recognizing that they are part of a whole while still being individuals. What if instead of focusing on merging into a seamless whole, integration could be something messy and complicated and hard to work through? Something where maybe it isn't easier, but no one has to be assimilated into the collective?

Which isn't to say that I'm against that whole "pulling together the disparate parts of yourself." 'Cause the fact is, multiples DO need to do that, or at least my system did. Or maybe it's just checking in, and recognizing which parts of the whole go with which parts. There are a lot of folks inside of my body who thought that they were just one thing. (Ellis, for example, thought that aside from being resentful, she was pretty much perfect. :P ) But as we've had each part "integrate" their experience, they've discovered, "Oh! look at that! It turns out that I'm not just angry--I am the one who is really good at these things, and I'm the one who does those things that are totally unrelated to being angry!"

Because the complicated thing with sharing a body is, if you're not very in touch with yourself as a part, you can lose touch with parts of yourself-the-part. If you've got shame, or fear, or whatever, maybe you attribute parts of your actions that don't fit with your self-image to other parts of the system.

So let's say you see yourself as absolutely perfect, like Ellis does. You might have a hard time reconciling that with the fact that you're really critical, and judgmental, and just a wee bit controlling. And parts like that (sorry, Ellis, but this is true. Goes for you, too, Cleo.) will think that when they fight to make sure that the entire system acts like one single person, some assimilated Borg collective of "individual parts" who represent to the outside world as a fairly seamless whole, that they are doing this for other peoples' comfort, or that they are doing this to keep the system safe.

Here's an analogy for you: This is like gay people who are so uncomfortable and afraid and ashamed of being different that they "act straight" all the time. Don't get me wrong. There are times that you need to act straight. Or at least, there are times when you need not to call attention to the fact of your difference.

But that doesn't mean it's true ALL the time. I suspect it's not even true MOST of the time. It's all about calculated risks. Look around you. Are these people really going to hurt you if they find out you're different? How can they hurt you? Most of the time, there is absolutely nothing they can do, if it turns out that you're different.

Sure, this isn't true for everyone. There are people who will lose their jobs, or their children, if someone finds out they are gay. There are people who will lose their jobs, or their children, if someone finds out that they are multiple. I say, those of us who don't run that risk have a responsibility to be as out as we possibly can. Because you know what? The only way, the ONLY way to make the world safe is for people to be brave enough to reclaim the different parts of themselves, and be proud of every part of who they are.

I'm not saying that individual parts can go off acting like they own the whole body. Because you are parts of a whole. Call it a jigsaw puzzle, call it a crazy quilt, call it a republic. It doesn't matter what you call it. You're not in this alone, and you can't go off acting like you are. And that includes the parts who try to pretend that the way to integrate is to pretend that everyone is exactly the same, and there is none of that difference that makes people so uncomfortable.

Note: this post started out being written with Ellis, but then she got over her bad self and let me take control. Me being Xan. I'll point out that it's a problem, when someone who is all over the idea of being out as multiple has trouble coping with the idea of some other part showing up in a space that is supposed to be accepting of multiplicity. Like, you know, their own blog.
 
 
18 November 2009 @ 02:51 am
hi all
i've posted a blog on my page about doing some filming for DID awareness for my media project
I want to make it light-hearted but with a serious 'without them, I wouldnt be me' approach.
I want to use my own guys since we work so well together, but I wasnt sure how to go about it

heres the link to see my post: jb4eva1.livejournal.com/33141.html

again, the last thing I want to do is offend anyone; I too suffer with DID, but at a now controllable state

I want to try and make people understand what it's all about as I think the thing that puts people off the most is the lack of knowledge

I hope that i can recieve some fresh and inspiring ideas!
thank you in advance!
jessica
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Racing Kites - Be My Runaway
 
 
16 November 2009 @ 09:16 am
Why?  
Today I am struggling to keep from switching. I don't feel completely up front, but I don't feel like the others are trying to come out either.

I feel like the black swirl of depression is threatening, but I just don't know why.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who is trying his best to understand my needs. My daughters are happy and healthy living with their dad. My dad and step-mom are on their way to their winter home. My family is all well. So what on earth is dragging me into this abyss?

I honestly feel like I am flailing in the water.

And I don't like it.
 
 
Current Mood: depressed
 
 
14 November 2009 @ 11:17 am
Rather than hijack beingwyrd's post, I thought I would post a little bit about the DID/MPD awareness ribbon in a whole new post.

About two years ago, I was trying to find an awareness symbol that was specific to DID/MPD. Yes, it's included in the meanings of the teal ribbon, but it seemed to me like it would be useful to have something more distinctive. I posted to one of the forums I was active on, and after it seemed like there wasn't anything already out there, I put together a web site where people could offer and vote on submissions.

Lots of us liked the idea of puzzle pieces, but autism awareness has been using that for a while, and it wouldn't meet the need of having something distinctive to dissociative disorders. There were a lot of great designs submitted. The one that wound up winning was my design, based on a "crazy quilt." Click here for the long version of how I came up with the idea. One thing that I particularly like about the quilt ribbon is that it combines the colors from a lot of different issues, because most people I know who are coping with dissociative disorders are also coping with a lot of other issues. Plus, you can wear the ribbon, and if someone asks about it and you don't want to come out as a multiple, you can just say you're wearing it for "multiple issues." :)

Please feel free to use the ribbon, because that's why it was created. I would prefer that people not use it for products on CafePress, unless they are adding something of their own to it, because I'm trying to generate enough money selling products with the ribbon that I can pay for my CafePress store, and ideally also pay web hosting for my website. I do, however, take requests, so if there is a product you'd like with one of the designs, feel free to ask, and I will do my best to put the requested design onto the requested product. ( My Cafe Press store is here, if you're interested.)


As a side note: a couple of people have asked whether I mind if they link to my Livejournal. I don't mind, but if what you're interested in is the things I say about DID/MPD, you're better off checking out my website Coping in Crazyville, or my blog Jigsaw Analogy.


I hope this isn't too self-promoting or something. I debated about posting it, but I figure if it bugs people, it can be deleted or something.
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10 November 2009 @ 01:27 pm
I might be posting today but I am co-fronting with M and baby.  Had to remind baby today that rules are made for a reason and that

1. Reason is to protect the shell and all that reside in the shell. 

Number 2 Rule littles do not come out in public or around others!
and he came out at the store yesterday poking around the toy isle, with other's around especially strangers.  NOT GOOD.

M and I let him come out this morning around our mates to show him that it is safe here, but that he has to be prepared to go back in if the phone rings, or someone comes to the door.  Safety of the shell and all inside is #one concern!


Is there anyone else who has this rule? or are we being over protective?
 
 
Current Mood: frustrated
 
 
08 November 2009 @ 11:27 pm

Sherry posting here tonight:

 

We meet the new soul tonight - will at least our partners did. During a play session we switched out and the new soul came up front. Apparently very animal like and none verbal. Afterwards we all moved to the living room and my male partner stumbled over an idea. That when we use to get really upset or was beaten really bad by our step-monster our sister would sing to us two specific songs and as we got older our daughter would sing these songs when we were having bi-polar problems to calm us down.

 

So we had my female partner sing one of the songs a few times really softly and sure enough it attracted our other soul's attention. Bring forth what appears to be a soul that is un-named, and has to be translated for via Elder. S/he is large and furry carrying a large amount of pain … and feels the pain of the world it seems. If this means S/he really does feel all the pain in the world or just feels that way because his heart hurts so terribly bad. I know once he stopped blocking all of us I couldn't believe how badly the hurt this poor creature felt. I started to cry after he had himself a good howl and finally went back in to the shadows of our internal world.

 

My partners could tell more about what our other soul was more like, we were getting what amounted to second hand information through Elder.

 

Anyone else had any kind of experience like this when a new soul has shown up?

 
 
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Avatar Anime
 
 
08 November 2009 @ 12:21 pm

Ok I feel like before I can respond to any of the posts on this community we should introduce ourselves. You will notice that within our posts we will fluctuate between first person and plural. Depends a lot on who is fronting at the time. If you go to my blog, my first blog details who is who in our system and what their purposes are within our system.

We do not have a therapist a this time so setting up a blog and joining a community is our way of being able to work internal stuff out. We do date two other plural people who we can talk with and who have more experience with being plural. We thought we were integrated, or slightly integrated – more memories have been surfing over the past couple of years – which has brought more of us forefront.

Please, feel free to ask us any questions you may have. Not sure really what else to post.

 
 
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: rumble of every day life
 
 
31 October 2009 @ 08:59 am

Thank you all so much for your replies to this thread. A lot has happened in the last 48 hours and I wanted to share it with you all, who made it possible with your advice and reassurance and support.

 

My friend lives in another state and won’t be moving here until December, around Christmas. This made it hard to be with her at this critical time, but through telephone and Skype videophone we were able to get through the crisis together.   Yesterday I spoke to her T. He didn’t want to speak to me but my friend insisted and he did. He explained his model and claimed it is the standard treatment today. Maybe. But only a few of you have experienced this kind of treatment, and it sounds very unsuccessful, at least until the very last stages of treatment. I asked him straight out if he felt I was hurting her more than helping and basically he said yes I was. The biggest problem was in my treating child alters like children and his certainty really set off a crisis in confidence in myself. On the other hand, my friend was telling me that my supporting her—them—was all that was keeping her going at this point. She had thought that she was integrated, and now felt that the last 2 years since “integration” had been a lie. A lie to her and to me. Her journal started to talk of suicide and the worst thing is that she felt I was listening to the T and thinking of backing away from her; that I was listening to the T and not to her and her alters, all of who told me that if I talked to the kids as adults they would get scared, run away, never come out again, and might hide inside. Integration is our goal, and it is realistic in that before the issues with the T, there was agreement to do it. There was by now that much trust.  The adults inside would often tell me when we talked “you ask a lot.” I don’t need to say to any of you that the hardest thing to ask, and harder still to receive, is trust. Anyone abused at such a young age, whether or not a multiple, will find trust the hardest thing, the scariest thing, to be asked for. But my friend has this trust for me, and even the most cynical of the inside people were trying so hard to share her trust. The T through the whole system into chaos.  My friend had a car crash, but luckily didn’t get hurt badly. The next day it almost happened again. Switches that were rare and controlled were becoming uncontrolled and frquent, and in some cases the one finding him or herself on stage didn’t want to or intend to be there. It was that chaotic and I really felt it was my fault as the T suggested it was. A mess.

 

Against his certainty in his treatment methods though was the unanimous view of everyone who replied to this. I asked my friend to post the same question to the email DID discussion groups she belongs to and they also agreed with what was said here.  So an on-line community of people with forms of DID/mpd all agreed he was wrong.  He does have a lot of letters behind his name and a lot of credentials. But as I thought about it, I remembered that I have a lot of letters behind my name. In my field (I’m a prof, but not a psychologist) I have written more than a dozen books, about 60 published articles and anthology chapters, and the more I learn the more I understand that there is so much more yet to learn. So very much I don’t know. The credentials don’t make me omnipotent in my field, even if I am well known in it. Then I remembered that treatment models for DID have changed frequently since it went into the DSM in 1980, and moreover, much of the therapeutic community doesn’t even recognize multiples as being real—the diagnosis itself is controversial. Against that, for the last 150 years or so that we have records of it, the experiences of multiples have not changed. Obviously, if forced to choose, it’s a no brainer. Believe the people who live with DID over the T. They know what they are experiencing. And I know what I am seeing and hearing.

 

So yesterday there was a real decision. I am not hurting her by being with her and interacting with the alters, the kids and the adults, each in their own way. Each has a reason for being there, each has part of the truth, some of the memories, the secrets, that need to let go of, entrusted to someone, before they are ready for integration. The adults agree that now they want integration, and are willing to trust that it won’t mean their death; they won’t disappear and be forgotten. They will remain with her, as they have always been, just in a different form. And they are so tired. They have protected her for a very long time. If they can trust that she will be safe, they are ready to move toward integration. Together. No one left behind.

 

Finally I asked my friend to get on Skype so I could see the switches and recognize who was out each moment and talk to them individually. A few came to talk, the adults, but all were listening just off stage. I told them that with the pressures my friend was under—the move, going back to school, etc.—why now? They have been hidden for 2 years, letting her think that she was no longer a multiple. Why come out now? The chaos has to stop.

 

They gave me reasons, and good ones really. First, they felt it was unfair to come here with the understanding that she was integrated when it wasn’t true. They couldn’t stay hidden forever and I would see it sooner or later anyway. The decided collectively that it was not fair to me move across the country and suddenly there they were. Ethically, I should know what I am getting into and do or not it eyes open. Even bigger was internally. It was a test of trust. Trust is so hard. They wanted to see, as some inside argued, whether I would walk away, knowing that life with a multiple can be complicated. Would I get scared or turn away? They needed to know before moving out here. When they came out and I stayed and just interacted with them naturally and respectfully, they were able to at least start to trust. Then there were individuals who wanted to be close to me. One of the kids who was lonely and scared. A male alter, an intellectual, who wanted someone to talk to. A non-human alter (a lion named Kitty) whose primary purpose has been to protect the kids and wanted to be sure that the little girls would be safe with me. A felame alter who had never been out, running in the background so quietly that even the inside people were unaware of her, just wanted to come out and be held, as I held my friend in my arms in sleep. This alter was the first. She remembered the birth of all the others and for the first time wanted to be on stage, just for a moment, just to feel the closeness with someone. I told them the chaos has to stop. They are endangering the body and won’t get here at all if things don’t settle. They are all in danger now and they need to pull back before she really goes crazy, hurts herself, or is in a more serious car crash. They have always protected her, and for the next 6 weeks or so the best way to do that is to pull back. Time is so different inside that it will be only a little time really. Just moments in their time. But it is important time. They will be back when they get here and each will get what he or she needs. But until they are here, the chaos, the switching, the noise, has to stop.

 

All were satisfied, and my decision to listen to them and not the T was a huge thing for them. We agreed that for the next 6 weeks or so until she gets to my house, they would pull back. Withdraw from her consciousness as they did for the last 2 years when they let her think the mpd was over. When they get here, I will ask them out, all, one at a time, and we will decide as a community where to go from here. Find a T that all trust, including me, and move to integration after all the stories have been told. When the last of the secrets are in the open and my friend is able to fully cope with the pieces of memory and knowledge they hold for her.

 

Finally, last night she called and said it was quiet for the first time in weeks. She doesn’t know how it was done and had no memory of any of my conversations with the alters. But the fear and panic were gone, the awareness of sharing consciousness was gone. It was quiet, but not the same quiet as before. She remembers they are there somewhere, even if she can’t feel them now. And she feels safe and reassured that nothing has changed between us, multiple or no. I think it will stay quiet until she gets here.

 

We would not have gotten this far without your collective help. Thank you so much. We are all grateful for your support.